Two guys, a Girl, and a Sock Monkey Named George
by naughty-chipmunk
Summary: In the beginning, it was a story about true love...then george just HAD to come along and ruin everything! This is sure to be a funny one. Rated R for language, amture themes(which i promise to insert later), and anything else that has been deemed "bad".
1. The intro

Disclaimer: No, I do not own anything except for the plot. Why does it always have to be this way??? Why can't I own something for ONCE! *sobs**wipes tear from eye* *sniffle**sniffle*  
  
Rating: R, just in case I feel the need to throw in some stuff later, you know.  
  
Chap 1: the intro.  
  
Hermione Granger had never liked being the only member of the "golden trio" that was unattached. In fact, she despised it. It always seemed as if Harry and Ron would only talk to her if they weren't busy shagging their girlfriends (or FUCK BUDDIES, as Hermione once heard Lavender whisper Ron's pet name for her to Parvati). Nowadays, she always felt left out, like a fifth wheel, or something.  
  
She had never felt so determined to find a guy, ANY guy, just so she could feel this "happiness" that she read about in those romance novels her mom had been pushing on her since she hit puberty, so she would "understand" what REALLY happens when a guy and a girl, well, you know.  
  
Realizing that no guy likes the teacher's-pet-big-bushy-hair-I'll-always-do- the-right-thing-no-sex-till-marriage-type, she decided that this year, her final year at Hogwarts, she would change. She would make boys' heads turn along with making their pants tighten. All with the help of her sock monkey, George.  
  
A/N: ok, so I know that this was a definite sucky 1st chapter.I promise to make it better and DEFINITELY LLLLLLOOOOOONNNGGGGGGGGGEEEEEERRRRRRRR.. have faith! Please, have faith! R+R please, want to know if there is anything to do to make it "less sucky" 


	2. Clothes make the girl?

Chap 2: clothes make the girl?  
  
Hermione strode into the Great Hall, and approached the Gryffindor table. She quickly noticed Ron and Harry sitting towards the end and so she made a beeline for them.  
  
Poking Harry on the shoulder, she said," Hey guys, notice anything idifferent?/i"  
  
Hermione stood there, decked out in a rather ierotic/i form of her once- modest-looking uniform(think Britney Spears, Baby-one-more-time- wannabe/porno star). Her hair had been magically permed and her face was worth over £100 in make up. Ron's mouth dropped open (which wasn't to pleasant to look at, considering, he hadn't actually finished chewing.) and Harry just gaped. Of course, this was the reaction she had been expecting, (well, hoping for anyway) so she simply stood there, lips pouting in order to accentuate the many-layered-lip-liner.  
  
"Wha.wha..what? I mean, WHOA Hermione, what happened to you?" gasped Harry.  
  
"What? don't you like it?" Hermione breathily whispered, leaning forward ever so slightly so they could get a full view of her cleavage.  
  
Ron, (after he finally finished chewing) said, "Hermione, what brought on all THIS?", while doing a full-body scan, "You look so.so.different."  
  
Harry then added, "Yeah Hermione, you never seemed the sort of person to dress well.well."  
  
"Well what?"  
  
"Well, Hermione, you look downright skanky!",Harry exclaimed  
  
"I agree."  
  
"How DARE you! The one time I look HOT, the one time boys actually RESPOND to me-" Hermione simply couldn't finish her sentence for at that exact moment, Draco Malfoy just happened to walk by.  
  
'Wow, for once the mudblood looks presentable, and all of THIS for ME? my, my." he said, licking his lips and copying Ron, doing a full body scan. (which for some UNKNOWN reason, stopped at her upper chest.)  
  
"Sod off, Malfoy! If you ever give me a look like that again, I will hex you into the next century!" Hermione screamed, which averted everyone's attention to the end of the Gryffindor table.  
  
Boys (and some girls) from all houses were shocked, most weren't even blinking. Murmurs of "Is that iher/i?" The bookworm, the teacher's pet.was the reason why all their pants were tightening? Most of the boys did a quick once-over on their girlfriends just to be sure that it wasn't them, which caused great disappointment and most paintings could tell that there was going to be some breaking-up tonight.  
  
Hermione wasn't blind, she could see the boys mentally undressing her(there wasn't must left to be imagined, as you can see.). She was totally loving it. She cocked her hip to the side and ran her fingers through her hair. All the guy's mouths were dropping open.  
  
"Well, it's not as if I wasn't practicing that model pose all night, you know." Hermione thought to herself, giving them a full pout.  
  
Enjoying this much-anticipated attention, she flipped her hair around and sat down at the table. Suddenly, a dark shadow fell over her plate, and she looked up.  
  
"Ms. Granger, what is the meaning of this?" slithered Professor Snape, "Why are you dressed like that?"  
  
"Oh, ihi there/i Professor."breathily whispered Hermione, as she did a full-on pout and ran her fingers through her hair, "Is there something I can ihelp/i you with?"  
  
Immediately becoming flustered, Professor Snape stammered out a reply, "Oh, n-n-n-no, Ms. Granger, I just, I well, um, I think you look very inice/i."  
  
"Oh, well, i thank you/i, Professor Snape, very nice of you to say so."Hermione made a slight adjustment of her skirt, showing him some leg and did a light tug on her white button-down shirt (this is what push-up bras are made for!) just so he could get a tiny peek. She knew he was ogling, that was exactly the reason why he didn't take point off Gryffindor or send her to the headmaster's office. There was definitely some perks to having the majority of the faculty male.  
  
A/N: hope you guys liked my chappie! It's a wee bit longer this time. Hope you guys don't mind Hermione being a slut (I found the whole idea to be rather funny.) R&R, please! I want to know what you guys think(oh, and thanks to umbracat for being my first reviewer! YAY! I'm so happy right now.) and remember, when I'm happy, I write!! 


	3. The slut does damage

Chap. 3: The slut does damage.  
  
After that brief encounter with the evil-heartless-bastard-turned-lovesick- puppy, Hermione simply strode out of the Great Hall (no wait, actually, "strode" is not what she did, more like cat-walked). Of course, all the boys eyes were practically glued to her ass and so she arched her back a wee bit just so it looked as it there actually was one there. After finally exiting the room, all conversations immediately started up again and all the drool that had accumulating was wiped up.  
  
"Please let me wake up so I can realize that it was just a dream", sighed Ron, looking wistful.  
  
"Oh please Ron, you know as well I do that you were touching yourself the entire time. and may I give you some advice? The next time it happens, don't be so.so vocal." Harry said sarcastically, then immediately started cracking up, almost rolling on the floor.  
  
Ron was turning bright red, as he tried to look as calm and relaxed as possible but if you could see his face, it was between as death glare and an I-wanna-just-run-out-of-this-room-and-never-come-back, mortified look.  
  
Ginny, who had been sitting next to Harry at the time, was laughing so hard she was almost gasping for air.  
  
"SHUT UP YOU FUCKERS!!!!!!!" yelled Ron, as he slammed his hand down on the table, "AND BESIDES HARRY, ITS NOT AS IF YOU AND GINNY WEREN'T TOUCHING EACH OTHER THE ENTIRE TIME!!!!!!"  
  
Of course, because of this sudden outburst, the entire Great hall was now, once again, focused on the end of the Gryffindor table.  
  
"Shut up, Ron, just because I got a girl and you are too afraid to even talk to any besides your best friend and can't get any from her (or anyone else for that matter) , you shouldn't be jealous.Oh wait, hold on, yes you should!" Harry retorted which caused Ron's face to turn a deeper shade of red (if that was at all possible).  
  
"Harry, I suggest you shut your fucking mouth, or else I will have to do so manually!!!!" Ron yelled back.  
  
"Oh, yeah, I bet you'd like to do that, Ron."said Harry, giving him a wink, "But I'm sorry, I don't swing that way."  
  
"Shut the fuck up, Mr.I'm-so-great-because-I-have-a-scar-in-the-middle-of- my-fucking-forehead! I'm sick you and your ego!" Ron yelled, as he ran out of the Great Hall, to find Hermione.  
  
Hermione had been walking up to the common, as she had forgotten her bag, which contained her necessities: lip gloss, lipstick, lip liner, hair gel, hair brush, foundation, cover up, blush, several shades of eye shadow, eye liner, tweezers, tissues(hint hint), breath mints, and a condom, just in case.  
  
She was about to tell the Fat Lady the password when suddenly, Ron ran up to her.  
  
"Hermione, I.I.I.need to tell y-you something", Ron gasped, he cheeks flushed, and his breath was ragged, being out of breath from running so hard.  
  
"Well, I was just about to get something up in my dorm, how about you tell me in the common room?" Hermione said, then quickly realizing she had just been out-of-character, she quickly added, "I want to get (touches his face) ready." she whispered sexily.  
  
Ron, who was now flustered just as Snape had been said, "Oh, o-o-o-k."  
  
Hermione then said, "Snapeus Assholeus", which caused the portrait to swing open, gaining the two entrance to the common room.  
  
A/N: Sorry for the cliffee, I just couldn't resist! YaY! I got another review! As I said before, when I get reviews, I get happy and when I get happy, I write.So if you want me to update more, tell how much you like/hate the chappie! I wonder what Ron is going to tell Hermione..hmmmmmmm.who knows? I might have to add a sex scene in this story after all.*giggle**giggle* 


	4. the truth comes out

Chap 4: the truth comes out  
  
"Ok Ron, now tell me what just COULDN'T wait until later."Hermione said, tantalizingly leaning over just a bit.  
  
Ron, who was now even more flustered, started stuttering, and said, "W-W- Well Hermione, y-you know how you came into the G-G-Great Hall all dressed like that? Well, it kinda gave me a sign, that I should do something that I've tried to put off ever since I saw you."  
  
"Ok Ron, but tell me, what is this thing that you are going to `do`?" Hermione breathily whispered leaning in towards Ron's face ever so slightly.  
  
"Well, Hermione, I, um-" Ron could not finish his sentence, having been cut off by a rather "forward" 4th year, who just happened at that exact moment to "accidentally" fall on Hermione, grabbed her chest then run off.  
  
"Get off me, you stupid asshole!" Hermione yelled, slapping the hormonally- altered boy before he con run away. "I'm sorry, Ron, could we finish this conversation at another time? I have some business to attend to." she finished, making a move for the door that the boy had just fled out of.  
  
Ron could not wait any longer. He stood up, walked over to Hermione, then grabbed her by the shirt (now slightly torn) and pushed his mouth forcefully onto hers. Hermione was just so shocked she couldn't move, as if she were frozen to the spot. "This wasn't the way it was supposed to be!", she thought to herself, lost in the moment, "I'm supposed to the one who makes a move on him, leaving HIM glued to the spot.. besides, this dude has got a serious case of halitosis."  
  
Ron, however, had his mind on other things. He had originally placed his hands around her waist, but they currently were moving north.His tongue and hers were in a duel, a duel that none could lose. He was so wrapped up in her, that he totally forgot where they were (or even that someone was watching them.). He lost track of both time in space (class had started about what, 10 minutes ago?)"Damn shampoo, too damn intoxicating"  
  
Hermione then slowly pulled away from him.  
  
"Well, that was, um, interesting.", Hermione said, flustered, taking a step back from him, trying to acted calm and collected.  
  
"Well, I guess now you know how I feel.", Ron whispered  
  
"I got-to-go-class-now-late-oh-shit-Professor-Snape-is-gonna-kill-me-never- doing-that-again.BYE!" Hermione said rather quickly, even more flustered then before, running towards the door, stumbling, getting back up, trying to regain sexiness, then leaving.  
  
"Well this certainly sucks, our first lip-lock and she's desperately trying to get away from me afterwards.am I that bad of a kisser?" he thought out loud.  
  
"Nah, you're not that bad, I should know." said a mysterious voice coming from behind.  
  
Ron whipped his head around, only to come face-to-face with his GIRLFRIEND (i.e. FUCK buddy), Lavender.  
  
"Lav, I'm so, so, sorry.I didn't mean-I mean, I didn't know-I just."  
  
"Just what? Decided to give the Gryffindor ho a try? Jeez, always thinking with the small head, aren't you?"  
  
"Lav, I'm so, so sorry.please, let me explain"  
  
"Don't ever call me `Lav` again, or better yet, don't ever talk to me again, k? You, know, for a second there I thought that you loved me.", Lavender said, trying to hide that tears that were starting to form, "but I guess it was a lie, no? I mean, as soon as you got me in bed and Hermione started dressing like a freakin' prostitute, there was no point to continue using me, was there? I thought I was enough to satisfy you; all those moans were for me, right? Or were you just picturing Hermione in your head the entire time?", Lavender then stomped out of the room, leaving Ron totally alone to wallow in his agony.  
  
Ron picked up the books he had left on one of the chairs, then slowly walked towards the door, knowing that he had just made a HUGE mistake.  
  
(A/N): Well, interesting chappie, no? I promise to make it funnier next time, k? Hope you guys liked it, I have been suffering from Writer's block, and my teachers are all bitches, so I have had no time to update. SORRY! But I'm sure it wont take me so long for me to write the next one, b/c I KNOW all of you are going to review my story, many times over, so I will feel more compelled to update sooner. And I promise to explain the whole sock-monkey-named-George-thing will be explained in an upcoming chapter. R&R, please! Pyce! -naughty-chipmunk 


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